with whatever it is, is extremely unpleasant state of being. My stuckness is with my marriage, I cant leave physically or emotionally, the fear of doing this is unmeasurable and it is for over 20 years. How cruel of me to do it to myself!!!
I don’t know how to start, I cant have a plan and I always admire those who did it….
I allowed my husband to create my life the way it suits him, I was never aware of that, I just got along, I allowed him to manipulate my thinking , my wants, Its his life that I was and am still living.
He build a beautiful house for himself and me, this gorgeous place is my prison where I have always been lonely and not being able to leave. By living I could make life harder for myself, I could suffer and regret the decision for ever … but at the same time I could feel total freedom and happiness, freedom from the control and irony and putting me down, freedom from anger and stuckness .
I can imaging the new life, the colors displayed around and nature being happy for me, I can even feel the emotions of peace and contentment … but I am still stuck with the man that always has more important things to do than being with me and my destructive emotions !!
Will it ever happen for me? Will I by some miracles get strength, wisdom and clarity to do that ? When will I be ready? I ask my soul for help … please don’t let me destroy myself!!