means emotional stability and acceptance of things I have no control over.
The last year of my life is extremely difficult. First, death of my dog, George, than loosing two of my best human friends, health issues of my son, difficulties of my marriage. All of it reflects on my health.
I have to except that George is not with me anymore, I have to except that I cant call my best friends anymore, I have to except that my son has to come to his own decisions and make the right choices in his life and I have to except my own weaknesses and limitations …
For the last five years my son is having strange symptoms, first it started with anxiety and with time his eyes got effected, pressure in his head, dizziness, his legs started to feel like they were not his … and I have been watching him, seeing his frightened eyes, seeing and feeling his suffering…
His problems frighten me to the core, the fear feels me up and stays in me.
And than is my marriage, long overdue … I am stuck in it, cant make any move to leave it … it is really bad, I am constantly full of fear and anger, exploding too often, destroying myself ….
Am I really creating my own reality, as many people claim, with my thoughts and feelings, or am I living a script written by somebody/something ….
If there is a script, than by adding my emotions to it I create hell for myself, but if I could be present and don’t give a fuck, just become an observer to it all I could maybe even enjoy the ride, at least a little and stay sane ….